bang bang kiss kiss
by piperholmes
Summary: a mutli-chapter Rollisi fic about how their relationship changes after Sonny gets shot on the job.
1. Prologue

**bang bang kiss kiss**

 **By: piperholmes**

 **A/N: This is a short introduction to a multi-chapter fic.**

 **Unbeta'd**

* * *

She heard the bang, saw him flinch back, her nose burning with the acrid smell of gun powder, the taste of adrenaline and bile heavy as she felt her stomach drop.

She trusted Fin, knew he had her back, a confidence confirmed by the rapid firing of his gun as she ran.

And she was running.

Without thought she'd found herself moving, a decision that had been made as the months had progressed, as their friendship had solidified, grown, and blossomed.

She fell to her knees, his pale face looking up at her.

"Amanda," he whispered.

Her hands flew to his, pulling them away, his shirt sticky with blood.

She shushed him gently, her hands now pressing tightly against the wound in his side.

"Hold on Carisi, just hold on, a bus is on its way," her voice never shook, her training too good to betray her racing heart.

He blinked up at her, his face contorting with each fresh wave of pain. "'Manda," he said again, swallowing hard, "My ma, you…gotta be sure…an—"

Amanda again shushed him with a slow shake of her head. "I've got you."

She could hear shouting around her, the sensation of his warm blood seeping between her fingers, but it was his soft blue eyes that held her attention, the fear and tenderness that warred within him as he stared back at her.

It was suddenly quiet as she fought to slow down her breathing, taking in one deep breath, slowly letting it out, repeating the action, a silent command, but one he followed. With effort he fought to mirror her actions.

In

Then out.

In

Then out.

Until they were breathing together, as one.

In

Then out.

In

Then out.

In

Then-

"Amanda" he exhaled before his eyes slipped close.

Sound exploded around her as medics began shouting orders, Liv pulling her to her feet, sirens screeching, lights flashing.

It was over.

She could only watch as they lifted him into the ambulance, his blood dripping from her fingers, his name on her lips.

"Sonny."

 _to be continued..._

 **Thanks for reading!**


	2. Waiting

**bang, bang, kiss, kiss**

 **By: piperholmes**

 **A/N: at the end of the chapter**

 **unbeta'd**

* * *

Amanda was never very good at waiting.

The biggest problem for her was that waiting meant anxiety. When she was little she'd sat up late into the night waiting for her mother to come home from one of her drinking binges. She'd sit on the couch, Kim curled up asleep next to her, watching the clock, fearing her mother wasn't going to come home this time, worrying about how she was going to be awake enough for school the next day, fearing she'd be separated from her sister if someone found out about what was going on, helpless to do anything but just sit and wait.

It was a hard association to break.

And now she was waiting.

The hospital was bright and loud and smelled of lemon cleaner, plastic and stale coffee, and Amanda sat trying not to chew on her bottom lip. Liv stood at the window, her cellphone to her ear—a distraction Amanda wasn't afforded.

Fin had gone to the station, his gun being the one used to kill the suspect. He had a long night ahead of him, and she regretted she wasn't there with him to lend support. Killing a suspect was never like it was portrayed on TV, where it's automatically ruled a "good shoot" and the episode ends with the squad getting drinks together. It was a lot of questions, a lot of paperwork, a lot of investigating, and a lot of following procedure. She knew she'd have her own paperwork to fill out, but as soon as the ambulance had taken off for the hospital Liv had snapped at her to get the car, and Amanda had been grateful.

The ride to the hospital had been a silent one for Amanda, her attention focused on following the ambulance, but Liv's phone had been glued to her ear, calling Barba, Chief Dodds and a few other higher-ups, until finally she asked Amanda if she had Sonny's mother's number.

Her stomach had clench, but she'd shook her head, answering, "I don't, but I have his sister's. Carisi insisted on programming it in my phone in case I wanted to talk to her, you know, about baby things."

Liv had given her a small, sad smile.

That was Carisi. He wasn't always the most tactful, but his heart was in the right place. He never hesitated to do for a friend.

The thought that he might be gone…

Waiting

Anxiety

More Waiting

She was glad she didn't have to make the call, but immediately felt guilty at the thought. She didn't know why though. It wasn't her job, it was Liv's, it wasn't her place professionally to call his next of kin and there was no doubt Liv would handle it, but still, part of her was ashamed at her relief.

Despite the late hour, Liv had managed to reach his parents and Amanda had listened, let her CO's calm, assuring voice affect her. She didn't know exactly what she had expected from Sonny's mother, but was surprised at the quiet. The phone call had been brief, but it was clear it had affected Liv, her eyes down as she'd ended the call. Once they'd arrived at the hospital they'd been shuffled into the waiting room with promises of updates. The last they'd been told was he was rushed to surgery, and that had been over an hour ago.

With a frustrated sigh she stood and stretched, her body and mind exhausted, compounded by the sleepless nights spent begging Jesse to go back to sleep. A loud noise sounded, at least to Amanda it was loud. She'd been sitting in the silence of her own head for too long. Turning she saw a group of women crowding near reception—all tall, all blonde.

She recognized them immediately.

Her stomach rolled and she felt suddenly nervous and unsure.

She felt the loose strands of her hair tickle her cheek when Liv brushed passed her, heading towards the women, clearly seeing the family resemblance as easily as Amanda had.

"Mr and Mrs. Carisi?"

And for the first time Amanda noticed the tall, thin man that stood outside the circle of women. Her eyes widened some in surprise. It was like looking into a crystal ball, she was looking at Sonny but 30 years down the road.

The man stood quietly, giving Liv an acknowledging nod, his eyes red, but his face open, welcoming. The older woman hastened toward Liv, her hands outstretched, tears on her cheeks.

She clasped Liv's hands in her own. "Oh please, Lieutenant Benson, please tell us, how is he? How's my baby boy?"

The other women, who had to be Carisi's sisters, immediately began voicing their own questions, all speaking over each other.

Liv's years of experience once again asserted themselves and she deftly quieted them, immediately assuring them that their son and brother were in good hands.

Amanda had heard those words before, had said those words, but just as they did then they sounded hollow, but Mr. Carisi quickly put his arm around his wife, his daughters all reaching out to their mother.

"You hear Ma? He's going to be fine."

"There's no way Sonny will skip out on being everyone's favorite uncle, Ma. We all know he's too stubborn for that."

Amanda could only watch as Carisi's family turned to each other, their arms wrapping tightly together, building and holding each other up. She felt a little uncomfortable with the notion, but also, deep inside where that terrified girl still lived, she felt envious.

"Oh, Amanda! You're Amanda aren't you?"

Rollins blinked, startled to hear her name, but before she had time to answer, Mrs. Carisi was barreling towards her, the rest of the family in tow.

"Of course you are, I recognize you from the photos Sonny has shown us of you and your little girl. She's beautiful, just like her momma," the matriarch said, and not pausing continued on, her hands now holding one of Amanda's tightly. "You're such a good friend to Sonny. Were you with him when he…when he got hurt?"

Her eyes again filled with tears, a paler blue than Carisi's, but still just as intense.

Amanda looked at them, five faces all looking to her, desperate for some hope to cling to. She felt overwhelmed.

"Ma, give the girl a chance to speak before bombarding her will ya?" one of the sisters spoke. "Teresa, Sonny's sister," she said by way of introduction. "And that's Gina and Bella."

"It is nice to finally meet you," Bella spoke up. "Though I wish it had been under better circumstances."

An awkwardness spread following her words, one Amanda suddenly felt desperate to dispel. "I…ah…I'm glad to meet you all. Cari-uh-Sonny talks about you all. He…uh…I was with him and his first thought was of his family, especially…" she hesitated, not certain how her words would be received. Would it help or make things worse?

She took a deep breath, meeting Mrs. Carisi's gaze, "especially his mother."

The tears that had been pooling in the corner of her eyes finally found release as she squeezed them shut tightly and Amanda felt a familiar guilt press against her chest. She shouldn't have opened her mouth. She didn't know how a family worked.

Mrs. Carisi tugged the hand she still had clutched tightly between her own, pulling Amanda towards her then wrapping her in a tight hug.

"Oh thank you," she wept. "Thank you for being with him and for telling us."

Amanda stood stiffly in her embrace, unsure how to respond, before relaxing enough to lift her own arms, giving the taller woman what reassurance she could. Carisi's father gave her a watery smile, the creases on his face testament to how easily a smile came to his lips, just like his son's.

Finally Mrs. Carisi cleared her throat, pulling back, taking a large white handkerchief out of her pocket and blew her nose loudly before offering an apologetic smile.

"Now, Gina dear, you and Bella go find some decent coffee. We're going to need some fortification tonight I think."

"Yeah, alright Ma," Gina answered, pulling Bella away with her. "But you call or text if you hear something."

Mrs. Carisi nodded in a way that mother's do to appease pestering children, before once again grabbing Amanda's hand, pulling her down to sit next to her on the touch leather chairs.

"Now Amanda, I'm going to pray for our Sonny, but Sonny's told me you're not very religious so I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. I'm just going to sit here quiet and pray, but I hope you feel comfortable enough to sit with us?"

Amanda wasn't religious. She didn't know if she believed in God, or rather she didn't know if she even cared. Who was God to her? Where was He when Amanda had been desperate for help? But she knew what it meant to Sonny and his family.

"I wouldn't mind that."

Teresa sat next to her, taking her other hand, another easy smile.

"Lieutenant Oliva, would you like to join us?" Mrs. Carisi asked.

And Liv didn't hesistate. "Of course, thank you."

The women joined hands, followed quickly by Mr. Carisi.

With heads bowed they waited, lips moving in silent supplication.

Waiting.

But this time not alone.

Not alone.

She waited to feel uncomfortable.

She waited to feel the anxiety.

Instead her fingers tightened their hold.

 _Please let him be alright._

 **to be continued...  
**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **So this story is going to be a bit long because I really want to explore how Amanda and Sonny could work, how their deepening friendship can can turn romantic and how their strengths can help each other. So it's a slow burn. Sorry no #rollisi interaction this chapter. I promise something in the next one. Thank you for those who are reading and reviewing! It's very much appreciated!**


	3. Stay

**bang bank kiss kiss**

 **Part 3**

 **By: piperholmes**

 **A/N: Thank you to those who have reviewed, favorited or followed this story! Lots more to come.**

 **unbeta'd**

* * *

She couldn't stay.

Her life was not her own anymore, and as great as her nanny was, it was unfair to expect the poor woman to stay overnight with Jesse without any warning.

It was also unfair to Jesse.

She needed to get home.

It had tore at her insides, to have to speak up, to say she had to leave, expecting the critical eyes, the judgment that she wasn't a good enough friend, but before she could even finish her apology Mrs. Carisi had barreled over her.

"Of course, you have to get home to that baby girl, bless her dear heart. She needs her momma. Thank you for staying with us as long as you have."

Amanda had glanced around, her eyes meeting Liv's, knowing the older woman was just as torn, wanting to get home to her son but needing to stay for Carisi. But Liv's slight nod was enough to communicate that no one blamed Amanda for leaving.

She still felt guilty.

"You'll let me now as soon—"

Liv waved her off. "As soon as we know anything I'll let you know."

Amanda hesitated, wanting to be sure she was clear. It didn't matter the time, it didn't matter how little the information may be, she wanted to be informed, but she chose to say nothing more.

It was a long walk out of the hospital.

He felt weird.

His body was heavy and stiff, his mouth dry and cottony, and his felt exhausted.

He wanted to open his eyes, but nothing was working the way it was supposed to.

Where was he?

He tried to focus on what was happening around him, but he couldn't quite make sense of what he was hearing.

His mind worked to fill in the gaps.

The case:

Little boy

Missing

Kidnapped.

Custody battle

Parents.

He remembered they'd received a tip

Then it was all there, the op, the sound of guns, bullets.

He was on the ground.

She was there.

"…'Mana?"

Had he said that out loud?

He tried again, forcing his lips to move.

"'Manda?"

He heard someone answer.

"'Manda?" he said again.

He felt a cool touch against his forehead, someone was quieting him.

He had no more strength and he slipped back into oblivion.

The text had come around 3 in the morning:

 _Out of surgery. Bullet never entered abdominal cavity. No major organs hit. Doctor expects full recovery._

She had cried with relief and exhaustion. All the worry and fear leaving her body, rolling down her cheeks to soak into the sleeves of her shirt. She didn't know what was wrong with her. She'd been here before. She'd watched coworkers be put in ambulances. She'd walked behind the caskets carrying a fallen comrade. She knew the sorrow and risk that came with the job.

But with him…

It was different.

With him, it was all different.

Somehow he had grown into her life, without her looking he had wound himself into her family.

She was lying.

She had been looking.

She had watched it all happening, holding her breath for fear of losing it all, but he had stuck around.

The late night dinners, the walks in the park, the crappy coffee, the teething and drooling, the crabby moods, the trashy tv and piles of laundry, the dirty dishes, the…home. He'd been there for it all.

 _And he'll be around a while longer_

The thought came into her head unprompted.

He was safe.

He was alive.

He was coming home.

She allowed her eyes to close, finally free to slip into oblivion.

"He's waking up."

Sonny groaned. How many times had his sisters woken him with their yelling?

"Gina, shut the hell up, will ya?"

"Sonny!"

His mother.

He blinked, the pain in his head sending waves of nausea through him.

"Sorry Sonny," he heard Gina say, her voice a contrite whisper.

He waved her off, or at least tried, his arm feeling weighted and clumsy.

He allowed his eyes to open a crack, wincing at the bright white of the hospital room. His mom scrambled to her feet to close the blinds, bringing relief to his sensitive eyes.

"Water?"

His sister reached for the hospital issued beige cup and pitcher, pouring him a drink, offering him the straw. He took several long pulls, welcoming the cool water to his parched throat.

It helped alleviate some of the nausea but he still felt close to being sick.

"What—?"

He didn't finish question, unsure what to ask first.

His mom moved to his bedside. "You were shot. Do you remember?"

Sonny gave a small grunt of discomfort, forcing his aching head to concentrate. "I 'member goin' to the docks."

His mom nodded. "That's right."

"And then…this guy came outta nowhere, started firin' at us."

Again, she nodded.

"The boy," he croaked. "Did they find the boy?"

She smiled at him. "Yes, Sonny, he's home, safe with his family."

"And the team—Rollins an' everybody's ok?"

"They're fine," his mom assured. "Your lieutenant stayed until you were out of surgery before she had to go home to her little boy, and Amanda stayed as long as she could before going home to her daughter, but she's on her way back to the hospital now. Detective Tutuola was kind enough to bring us all some breakfast and check on you before he had to go back to the station."

"What time is it?"

"A little after 8," Gina answered, now standing behind their mother, both women gazing down at him with heartbroken expressions.

"Come on now," he grumbled. "Don't look at me like I'm on death's door. I'm not…am I?"

He realized he'd yet to ask about his own condition.

"You were…" his mother's voice broke, and she had to clear her throat before she could continue. "You were very lucky son. God was watching out for you."

When it was clear she was too emotional to speak, Gina added, "Doc says the bullet when through your side, but managed to miss anything important. A half inch more and we'd be having a whole different conversation."

He nodded, but immediately regretted the action. Pain shot through his body, and he really worried he was going to puke.

"Dad took Bella home to Tommy and Naomi, and Theresa's out in the hallway on the phone with her work," Gina explained, unaware of his discomfort.

A quiet knock stalled her though and she moved to open the door.

Sonny couldn't help the small smile that formed when Amanda entered.

"Hey," she greeted quietly, hesitating by the door.

"Amanda, my dear," Mrs. Carisi welcomed her. "Long night, but grateful he's awake."

"Yeah," she agreed, her eyes meeting his.

"Ma, you wanna grab some coffee with me?" Gina asked, making a dramatic nodding motion with her head.

"Oh, yes, of course, coffee will do me some good," she stood, leaning down to kiss Sonny's brow, her eyes tearing up again. "We'll be back in a minute…I love you Sonny."

He could see the pain in her eyes, and with the devotion of a child to a loving mother, he answered back, "I love you too Ma."

The older woman stood, wiping at her eyes, pausing by Amanda to give her arm a squeeze before the two Carisi women left.

He watched her as she stood away from him, watched as she stuck her hands in her pockets, lingering by the door.

"You look like crap."

As he expected, her shuffling ended, her eyes coming to meet his, and expression of shock on her face.

"Me? You're the one hooked up to tall these tube lookin' like death warmed over."

His lips turned up in a smile, and the tension between them broke, Amanda's own face relaxing in mock frustration.

She moved to stand next to his bed.

"You really do look beat Rollins, rough night?"

"Shut up," she said by way of warning. "How are you feeling?"

He grimaced. "I don't really know. Everything hurts and I feel a bit sick t'my stomach, but I also feel like my body isn't really a part of me."

She nodded. "That'll be the drugs."

He frowned. "I don't like it."

She gave him a sympathetic look.

"But you're…you're alright, right?" he hedged.

"Yeah, yeah, absolutely," she answered. "Fin took out the shooter, some thug the aunt hired, and we got Gabe home to his family. No one else was hit."

His head fell back, his eyes closing. He was quickly looking energy. "Good, that's good."

"Hey, I should get outta here and let you rest," she began. "I just thought I'd swing by and see how you're doin'"

She started to move away when he reached up, managing to hook her little finger. He didn't have the strength for much else and if she chose to walk away he wouldn't be able to stop her, but she moved closer, winding her fingers with his, a questioning look on her face.

"I'm glad you're ok," he said, his eyes opened again, intent on hers.

He saw her lips press together, her throat working for a moment, before she answered, "I'm glad you're going to be ok."

Her carefully constructed easygoing façade fell away, and he could see the lines of worry, the dark smudges beneath her eyes, and something deeper.

"'Manda—"

"I was so—"

They spoke over each other, then stopped, neither suddenly sure what needed to be said. They just stared at one another in the quiet for a moment.

Amanda's began to say something, but the door opening interrupted her, their hands dropping as she stepped away.

A nurse and Mrs. Carisi came in.

"Just need to check Detective Carisi's vitals," the nurse explained, and soon he was being fussed over.

He met Amanda's eyes as she smiled, indicating with her head that she was going to head out.

"You'll be back?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I'll check on you again soon."

And she slipped from his room.

 **Thanks for reading!**


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